“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.