day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded