Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
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I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)