Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
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[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
This makes total sense…
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Best spoiler warning ever
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.