My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
awkward
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Meanwhile in Portland…
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?