Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
an octopus is just a wet spider
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks