[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
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No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th