“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
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I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My circle of trust is a meatball
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.