My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’