[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]