Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
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Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children