[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
You Might Also Like
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
this is so top tier i cant
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
buys donuts instead
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
#ParentingFacts
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Why font matters.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house