I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
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8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.