PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck