If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
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In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?