Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
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Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms