Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
was Jim off killing horses or…
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.