If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
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One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.