[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
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Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.