[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
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getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
this isn’t threatening at all
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?