Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
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Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”