superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”