“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.