[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
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Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?