i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
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[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*