I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments