“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
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When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Bootstraps
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Unimpressed
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.