What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
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I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
😅😅😅
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”