Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
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Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.