Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”