*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
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*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.