I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
You Might Also Like
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”