People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
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“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office