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[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.