Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you