[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”