*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
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Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
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Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
✌️
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll: