(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
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[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Lol #dogsoftwitter