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Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.