“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Note to self: always read the final line
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”