Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
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I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]