I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
not to brag but i donât need alcohol to send texts iâll regret
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WEâRE GOING FOR A WALK IâM READY CâMON LETâS GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LETâS GO WALK!!!
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google đŹ
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I donât like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. â37â I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is donât smoke cigarettes.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I wonât be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
dog 911: whatâs your emergency
dog: thereâs an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, heâs across the street
dog 911: thatâs not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.