coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
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Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
No laws when master is gone
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company