Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
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Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad