My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it鈥檚 new 馃槀馃ズ
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some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it鈥檚 closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
welp
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Good man! 馃懄馃徎馃槨馃挭馃憤
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor鈥檚 dog. I鈥檓 not gonna tell him.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Dishonest mechanic?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can鈥檛 get my jeans on
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.