2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
If only
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery