There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.