My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
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9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.