If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
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If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I put the p in pants.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Well, that didn’t work.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.