If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My first son he is wonderful
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations